; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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