after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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