It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have already put on my inside pants.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
