my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No I am not eating basil off your cock
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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