Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
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