vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize