forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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