Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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