Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
