She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
