its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
