I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
