just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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