I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
