dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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