His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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