take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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