worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
