if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
