Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
