When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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