i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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