seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
