And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
