I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
