and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
