i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
