Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
