I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
