Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
