i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We left the knife in your bed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize