Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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