You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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