I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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