you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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