are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just googled if crying burns calories
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
