I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize