Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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