totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
