I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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