Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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