what day is it and did you see me today?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
