I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
