I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
