Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
