My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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