she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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