how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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