I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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