Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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