I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
