I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize