i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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