My hand turned me down
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
