dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
