just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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