my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
