kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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