why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
