if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
