Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
