She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
