rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
