I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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