turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
