oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
